Round One: And So, It Begins

When your friends first find out that you and your spouse are separating, there are 4 basic reactions.

1] Feigned surprise - "Oh No! What happened?"
2] Indignant side taking - "You're better off without her/him."
3] Obnoxious know it all - "It's about time."
4] My personal favorite, the modern apathetic - "So?"

There is one other reaction, but that one comes from those individuals who set their sights on the newly relationship unencumbered. My first run in with one of these predators happened exactly 1 week after my wife and I separated. It was September 2002. The ex had moved out Labor Day weekend. The following Friday, I arrived home at my usual time, and I was in the process of preparing a healthy, nutritional meal, before walking across the street to the high school football game. We lived in Ohio at the time, in a suburb of Cincinnati. Being from the deep south, I took football seriously. Folks in Ohio like to think they take football seriously, but they really just play at it. My son was a freshman on the team, so I went to every game. Truth is, we went to every game from the time we moved to town, even when we didn't have a son to cheer on.

As I said, I was in the middle of nuking a hot dog when the knock came at the door. When I opened the door, I didn't know who to expect. Since we lived across the street from the school, we had a lot of cars parked in the street every home game. Every now and then friends would knock on the door to see if I had left for the game.

I opened the door to find Karen (name not changed because it might have Kara, Cora, or Kiera. It's been over 8 years at this point. Who really cares anymore?) Anyway, Karen was one of the people in the small community where I lived. I had seen her many times at school functions, and I knew her son was a senior.

"I just heard. I can't believe it. How are you?" (Paraphrased because it's been 8 years for crying out loud)

"I'm fine, thank you. Everything ok with you."

"I'm ok, but I just couldn't believe you two are splitting up." By this point, she has entered my living room. "I just want to let you know that I know what you're going through. My husband left 4 years ago, and I didn't know how I would get through it."

"Really, it's ok. I'm fine, but I appreciate the thought." Try to imagine this conversation with Karen/Kara having a pained look on her face, and a goofy "aw shucks" look on mine.

"I understand, but you have my number. I know what's it's like not to have anyone to talk to. Anytime you need to talk, feel free to give me a call."

"Well thank you, that's very kind."

"Or we could just have sex if you want to."

.
.

Yeah, all motion stopped. The dance of courtesy ended right there. I turned my head, and then I looked at her, and the very first thought that popped in my head was "you were waaaaaayyyy too comfortable when you said that. You've done this before." It was at that point that my mind began to race very quickly. "I hope nobody saw you come in here. The busybodies would have a field day with this."

I had to get her out of my house. "Well, that's a tempting offer, but it's too soon to think about that stuff. Thanks anyway. See you at the game. Get out."

Really, I wasn't that nice, but this is a PG rated story. It actually went more like:

"What the %$@#!?! I can't believe you! Get the %$@# out of my house, you %$#@ whore!"

So there I was, filled with righteous indignation. What do I do? I called my parents while the episode was fresh in my mind. I carefully told the edited story of what happened. Does my mom share my disbelief? Does my step-father congratulate me on my self-control? Nope. Nah-ah. All I hear on the other end of the line is laughter. Loud, boisterous, laughter. Parents are no help sometimes.