When you're a guy, and newly single, all your friends' wives, at least the ones that like you, seem to believe that God has placed them on this Earth at this moment in time to fix you up with the perfect woman. I used to hang with a group of guys in the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky area on a regular basis doing what guys do. Engage in a mutual hobby. These guys were into slot car racing. So, a couple of times a month, we would gather at the designated house for a Saturday of racing, or, more accurately, eating bbq, shooting the bull, and watching a game. This was where I met Angie, Dave's wife.
It was late 2002, and Angie found out I was getting divorced. I felt sorry for Dave, because he had to bear the brunt of her questions. "What type of girl does he like?" "Do you think he would be attracted to XXX?" At least, that's what I gathered from Dave when we talked. We seemed to be talking a bit more that November and December. He had invited me over for dinner a couple of times, where Angie Torquemada conducted her inquisition with brutal precision. I must have answered 100 questions before dinner, all with a polite smile pasted to my face. Finally, I had enough, and I told her I wasn't really ready to start the whole dating thing. It had only been a couple of months since we separated, and the divorce wasn't going to be final until February. She smiled and said ok. Note that she didn't say she would back off.
A few weeks later, it was the week between Christmas and New Year's, and I had taken the day off for a doctor's appointment. Dave called me the night before, and said he was going to be up my way if I wanted to have some lunch. I told him sure. We met at Friday's, or Applebee's, or one of those places. We had barely had a chance to look at the menu when I heard, "Well, fancy meeting you here." I looked up, and there was Angie and a friend. A female friend. A really attractive female friend. A really attractive single female friend. A really attractive single female friend who knew she was there to meet me.
I took one look at Dave, and he suddenly found the menu extremely interesting. He would not look at me, which is intergalactic guy code for "She made me do it dude. It was this, or sleep on the couch."
Well, still new to the friend's wife fix up scene, I smiled, and I was polite. Angie introduced me to Lana. As I said, Lana was a very attractive Auburn haired woman of 30, divorced, with one 5 year old boy. After 10 years of marriage, which started when she was 18, her husband decided he still liked 18 year olds, so he went out and found one. I can't fault her for picking the wrong guy. That happens too many times. If anything, the man was a total fool to leave this beautiful woman.
So, here I was, on a blind date (TRAP). It was the first of what would be many blind dates in the years to come. We started talking, and we didn't stop for 3 hours. I could see Angie in the corner of my eye, smiling the smug smile of success.
Lana and I talked about a wide range of subjects, and we agreed on most things, except one. She called herself a Casual Liberal. I asked her what a casual liberal was, and she replied simply that she didn't follow politics much, but her parents described themselves as strong liberals, and she figured she wasn't as committed as they were. I told her I was the opposite of her parents, and that I did follow politics very closely. She wasn't really concerned, and quite frankly, neither was I. We had just spent several hours in conversation that was both enjoyable and varied.
Over the next 2 weeks, we exchanged numerous e-mails and phone conversations. As my divorce was not yet final, I had a hang-up about dating. Call me old fashioned. We got along well, and we were enjoying the relationship immensely. Angie had even stopped using Dave as a go between. She would call me directly, give me the third degree, and pass on information about Lana. She was pleased with her work, and I have to say I was too.
As is the way of these things, it would not last. It was late Saturday night, 2 weeks into the relationship, and I got a call. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching tv, and my son woke me up to tell me there was a woman on the phone crying. I didn't know what to expect.
"Hello"
"Hey, it's me. What are you doing?" I recognized Lana's voice, but she was slurring badly.
"I fell asleep on the couch. Are you ok? You sound a little strange."
"I'm drunk. I just didn't want to face it today."
"Face what? What happened?"
"Today is my wedding anniversary. And I didn't think I could handle it, so I bought some Vodka."
At this point, I was a little concerned about where she was, and where her son was.
"Where are you, and where is Tom?"
"I'm at home. He's here asleep. I'm pathetic. I'm drinking alone." More crying.
"It's ok. It's just a hard day. Can I help you do anything?"
"Well, there is one thing I need."
"What's that? Maybe I can help."
"I'm not sure how to ask."
I didn't say anything to her. It was a little hard to understand her through the slurring and tears, but I probably would have done anything I could at that moment. She just sounded so lost. I didn't expect her answer though.
"Well...I'm not sure...aw hell...I'm horny, can you come over?"
I may have paraphrased the whole conversation, but THAT I remember word for word. I was a tad unsure how to proceed here. I wanted to go, I really did. But, my mind raced with all the possibilities.
1] She's a total babe. Go for it.
2] She's drunk, crying, and a mess. She will hate you tomorrow for taking advantage of her.
3] She's a total babe. Go for it.
4] If you help her through this, you will be in a better position with her later.
5] She's a total babe. Go for it.
6] You know better. It's not what you do. Besides, drunk girls just lie there.
So, needless to say, I did not race over to her house, although I wanted to.
"Listen Lana, That's not a good idea. You need to get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."
"I want to get laid and feel better now."
"I understand, but I think you really should go to bed."
"What the %$@# do you think I'm trying to do? I'm ready. You're a guy I like. Get over here and give me some."
The next 15 minutes went on in the same vein. I got to hear some choice words and positions that made me question my decision not to go. Enough that I should have had my head examined.
I finally got her calmed down, and she hung up and went to sleep. I, on the other hand, did not sleep that night. I lay awake chanting, "stupid...stupid...stupid...stupid."
The next afternoon I got a call from Lana. She had finally risen from her stupor, and tried to play it off that she didn't remember much, but I could tell she remembered most of it. She was embarrassed, and the calls and e-mails tapered off to nothing. I never told Angie what happened. If Lana did, I don't know. She just chalked it up to one of those things and went back to work finding another "perfect" girl. She found 3 in all. Well, 4 if you count the one I decided to never meet under any circumstances that did not entail an environmental suit, but that is tale for another time.
I did tell my parents about the whole episode. My step-father said he was proud that I kept my self-control. He figured all she would have heard was the phone swinging on the cord and the front door bell had it been him. Of course, that was after all the laughter from the 2 of them. Loud. Boisterous. Laughter.
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